Pivoting at 48 Years Old

This past year has been one of the hardest moments, specifically these past 5 months.

The last time I shared with you that my doctor scheduled me to have carpal tunnel release surgery on both hands back in August.  This marked the second surgery in under a year for me - the first was my shoulder surgery back in October.

It forced me to really sit my ass down, surrender and trust like I never had before.

Story time this will be a long one so get comfortable.  

Grab a cup of tea and let's dive in….

Back in May, during my niece's wedding, I experienced a huge remembering that overwhelmed me with so much emotion that I began to experience chronic pain in my body including numbness and tingling down my arms, legs, and all the way down to my toes including sharp neck pain.  Needless to say, I was scared as fuck because I did no know what was happening to me and every test that my Neurologist and other doctors sent me for, came back negative.  Let's just say that your girl was convinced that she had MS (note to self: stay off YouTube).  

If you've ever experienced chronic pain such as Fibromyalgia, back/neck pain, etc, you know the flare ups all too well and you also know that doctors are at a loss when it comes to explaining the cause of your pain.  The go to remedy is medication, but in doing my research (because one thing your girl is great at, is researching), I found that chronic pain is simply the result of stored emotions in your body that have not been released and so what your body will do is attack itself with pain to grab your attention so that you can tend to those stored emotions and finally release them. 

Talk about, the body keeps the score!  Just wow!

My research led me to, Nicole Sachs, author of Mind Your Body and in her book she talks about this in more detail in addition to how she was able to cure her chronic back pain through her journaling method - Journal Speak. Now ya'll know that I LOVE to journal so I was more than intrigued with trying this out, plus at this point, I was willing to try anything to stop me from experiencing my painful symptoms.

Let me back up a bit to give you some context…

During my niece's wedding, she reminded me of a time in my late 20s that were some of the hardest moments for me, but how this difficult time in my life had impacted her life in the best way possible.  Without going into some real personal things, let's just say that in my huge remembering, I had what people call a merging with my body.  I've often spoken about the disassociation I experienced in my younger years as my coping mechanism for surviving my childhood and late 20s - til this day, there's a lot that I don't remember about those years of my life because I literally separated from my body.  I often remember floating above my body during those years of my life as if I was an airplane watching the scenes of my life play out.  

So when I returned home from the wedding, I started to have an influx of memories from those years and I was so overwhelmed with emotion -  this is what was causing my body to spaz out in the way that it was.  I found myself crying uncontrollably. I was a wreck and couldn't get myself out of whatever I was in.  It was like the conversation that I had with my niece opened up the floodgates of emotions and sparked a huge remembering.  Now me and my body didn't know what to do with all what was going on so my body began to experience pain like I'd never felt before, which was strange because I have a high tolerance for pain (I had my four kids without any pain meds just to give you an idea of my tolerance for pain), but this pain that I was experiencing for the first time, was unbearable.

And so, I disconnected digitally from the world and physically from family and friends. Deleted my social media apps and went straight into hermit mode.  It was time to get to the bottom of things and what I found was groundbreaking for me.

I dove in head first and dedicated 28 days to the Journal Speak method.  I didn't miss not one day.

With Journal Speak, you focus on three areas when journaling: Childhood, Daily Life, and Personality.  You journal for 20 minutes straight every single day on one of these three topics and write down your true emotions, the ones you don't share with anyone out of fear of being judged or whatever - you hold nothing back. Once the time is up you either meditate or sit in silence for 10 minutes to give your body time to decompress after getting your deepest emotions out on paper because this will have you in your feelings and snot crying.

This practice was life changing for me, but what healed me in ways that I can't put into words is the inner child healing that I did with my 20+ year old self.  

One thing that I often hear people talk about is how to mother your inner child and show them love, but what I haven't heard anyone talk about is how life changing it is to listen to your inner child tell you about how it was like to be her.  To grow up in her home, with her family, friends.  To have her speak about her experience with no filter and let me tell you, it is not easy to listen to a child (young or older) tell you their most vulnerable emotions without you interrupting them.  Just wow! What I found is that your inner child needs to be seen, heard, and loved for true healing to take place.

I allowed her to speak and I heard every word that she had to say.  

When I gave that version of me a voice and allowed her to speak without interruption, something in me shifted that I can't explain til this day.  All that I know is that she was waiting 20+ years for someone to listen to her.  She was hurting so much all while experiencing the huge pressure of supporting her family while trying to raise her own daughter as a single mom.  

During my 28 days of journaling, I noticed a pattern.  I realized that every day of the 28 days I journaled, led me back to a time in my childhood and I realized how much our inner child runs our relationships, businesses, careers, finances, and so much more.  How when we get triggered by something our boss says, our partner does, etc it's usually our inner child that is running the show.

So now when I get triggered by something and I find myself finding it hard to let the situation go, I know that I need to give my inner child a visit and allow her to speak through journaling and mannnn do the waterworks come along for the ride.  I honestly don't know how I still have tears left to cry because Lord!

This lead me to my next discovery…

My shoulder was taking longer than normal to heal.  I went through three physical therapists until I finally started to see a change and then I ran out of physical therapy sessions through my insurance so I began to do some research on things I can do at home to help heal my shoulder in addition to the PT exercises my physical therapist left me with to do on my own.

I was led to somatic yoga and breath work because I realized that my nervous system needed an overhaul.  It felt amazing, but I realized that I longed for something deeper, but I just didn't know what that was exactly, I just knew that my body felt really good during certain yoga poses, but I longed for a deeper experience.  So I went down a rabbit hole on YouTube trying hatha yoga, somatic exercises, restorative yoga and then I finally discovered Yin Yoga and I fell in love for real, for real.

This is what I had been looking for all this time!  It was an aha moment for sure.

Throughout this entire journey, I realized that I was reconnecting with my body and truly listening to what it didn't like (crazy yoga poses) and what it loved (deep stretching).

I had a good friend tell me that I was finally tending to the missing puzzle - my body. I had the mind and soul portion of the healing journey on lock, but my body, I was neglecting hence the break down that I was experiencing with a tear in my shoulder and excruciating pain in my hands with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - not to mention the chronic pain in my neck, legs, and feet.  

My body was screaming at me to stop everything so that I can reassess my life and pivot. 

Yin Yoga allows for me to connect with my body on a deeper level where I have no choice but to listen to how the poses feel in my body verses how my body looks in each pose with other forms of yoga. With Yin Yoga, you hold each pose anywhere from 2 to 8 minutes or even longer allowing for the fascia in your body to stretch so that your body can relax and the energy in your body to recalibrate - you can literally feel the energy moving throughout your body when you are on your mat.   What a feeling!  

And the pain? Minimized.  I now know how to listen to my body so that when it is talking to me, I now know how to serve it so that it doesn't have to scream at me any longer.

I'm truly honoring my body.

Which leads me to my pivot moment…

I was so fascinated by this practice and how it has allowed for my body to heal in ways that I can't put into words that I became a certified Yin Yoga teacher! Yes, me!

Back in 2022, I started to feel inclinings that decorating just wasn't it for me anymore.  I didn't understand what was happening because I was so passionate about decorating.  I slowly began merging wellness with decorating and eventually sprinkled in Astrology and Spirituality and I felt that I had found my sweet spot.  

Well the Universe had other plans…

When my body shut me down, I was forced to sit still and figure shit out. Have those tough conversations with myself, my body, and I began to follow the breadcrumbs.  Like I said before, I got off of social media, stopped emailing you guys and just really fell off the grid.  I journaled, cried and after my carpal tunnel release surgery, I voiced memo because I could not use my hands to write.  Your girl was committed.

The bread crumbs led me to my inner child healing and Yin Yoga and I have come out of this experience a new person.  Someone who has truly surrendered to the Universe and trusted that all will be okay and that I will be okay because I always am.  For the first time in my life, I truly believe this to be true.

There are some other personal things that have happened that I will keep close to my heart, but let's just say that things are turning around and I am finally on the path that feels right.

Expect to see me share my journey in real time soon: my Yin Yoga practice, Inner Child healing work and my real soft life era years with you guys.

Does this mean no more decorating?  Yes, no more decorating.  I have returned home to myself at last.  Crazy how our first home outside of the womb is our body so although I was transforming lives through environments and spaces, now I'll be helping others return home to themselves.  In the end, it's all tied together.

And if this pivot doesn't align with you, no hard feelings.  Thank you for riding with me all of these years and I truly wish you all the best.

 And if you read this to the very end, you're a real one.  Thank you!